Little Self-Pity Party

I have been really tempted to hold a little self-pity party this past few days. It all started when I sent a text message to a friend (I thought she was) to ask her how she was doing. She had her baby through C-section about three weeks ago. I know how it is to be in that condition being that I went through the same process. I wanted to know if there's anything I could help her with and when we could come visit them to see the baby. She replied to my text saying that she would invite me once she sees the sincerity in me. I almost dropped! Well, my heart dropped, that's for sure! It hurt so bad. The worst thing was when I asked if she could tell me what I have done wrong, she just said that she'll tell me when the weather is good! I think she is being very mean! This was after all the letters, calls and gifts that I and my husband sent to her. And after the baby shower that I and other ladies had organized for her. We even tried to offer our baby furniture for them to use so they could save. Well, she was complaining about how tight they had been financially over the years. So we just wanted to help them out. But she turned down most of our offers. And that was fine. What's not fine was when she told me that all this while she hasn't seen any sincerity in me. It hurt! Not because it's true that I wasn't sincere but because my sincerity to her was also turned down. Yes, I finally realize it... it was a feeling of rejection. Oh, and that's the reason why it hurt so bad. I felt so rejected by someone I've been really trying to please!

I am just thankful that I was able to respond well to this effort to devastate me. Nice try, I would say. I am so grateful that I've learned to pray before doing anything important. After I got that text, I prayed and looked deep inside my heart of heart. I asked the Lord if I was being insincere to her. I looked for insincerity in me. The answer...

I admit I didn't like her since Day 3. On Day 1, I thought I found a really nice friend. Until she started gossiping about other women in our group and her own sisters. She also showed her true colors when she talked about the movies she liked, the kind of songs she sang, the books she read and when she said "God is not a 'demanding' kind of a god" to justify her worldliness. Day 2, I tried to gently and carefully stop her from gossiping and gently and carefully told her that I think God is pretty demanding of us to present ourselves to Him as holy vessels. But He, of course, gives us the Holy Spirit to have a freedom to live a holy life and full of joy. He demands that we become like Christ each day but is very patient and loving when we fail. Yes, He is very gracious to us and so we must not abuse that grace. Anyway, on Day 2, I could feel her distancing from me. So as I've said, on Day 3, I disliked her but I knew I had to respect and love her. I gave her space but reached out to her for love's sake when I got a chance. I know I've been sincerely reaching out to her. I would go past my not-so-good-feeling and love her just how God loves her. And I admit that my effort (by God's grace) to love her made a significant change in my heart. So sometimes, I wouldn't even feel that I didn't like her. No question about sincerity. I know that I've always been sincere.

I wrote about people pleasing, I think this instance is a perfect example. I've been putting a lot of work to please this girl. And I've not pleased her. She has rejected me and my sincere desire to be her friend. May God bless her. As for me, life must go on- pleasing God rather than man.